Something to Offend everyone

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.

Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Marriage.

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.

Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.

Q. Why are men like public toilets?
A. Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are full of crap.

Q. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A. If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Q. What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
A. One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"

Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.

Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest breast?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.

Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Q. What's the difference between a terrorist and a Jewish mother?
A. You can negotiate with the terrorist!

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q. Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A. Two mothers-in-law.