Attention Wal-Mart Customers

January 12, 2006
Subject: Mr. Bill Fenton

Dear Mrs. Fenton:

Over the past six months, your husband Mr. Bill Fenton, has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below:

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading into the restrooms.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3 in Housewares" and then watched what happened.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

September 14: Moved a "Caution-Wet Floor" sign to a carpeted area.

September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows from the bedding department.

September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

October 4: Looked straight into the ecurity camera, used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk if he knew where the antidepressants were.

December 3: Darted around the store in a suspicious manner while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "Pick me! Pick me!"

December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed, "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!"

December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"