Ten rules for dating my daughter

Rule 1: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule 2: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule 3: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue so I propose this compromise: you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big and I will not object. However, in order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my hot glue nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. As a backup I will take my electric nail gun and nail them to your waste too!

Rule 4: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate...when it comes to sex, I am the barrier and I will kill you.

Rule 5: In order for us to get to know each other people say we should talk about sports, politics and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house...and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early sir".

Rule 6: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you go out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule 7: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful...like changing the oil in my car?

Rule 8: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter.
(1) places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool
(2) places where there are not parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight
(3) places where there is darkness
(4) places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness
(5) places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat, and (6) movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided. Movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are even better.

Rule 9: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle aged, dimwitted has been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule 10: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

The bottom line is I am her father and I love her, very very VERY much, and I want nothing "BAD" to happen to her. Remember, since I am her father I get to define what "BAD" means. As long as you feel about her the same way I do you will live to be old and gray as far as I'm concerned.